Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.

                                                         -Oliver Wendell Holmes

Have Faith

Thoughts are things.

Woven and bound on looms,
their structure moves from straw to gold
with a shift--
a switch so quick
         a lightning flash
                   inches past.

All it takes
for the ground below to tremble
         and shake one's foundation...

Faith.

-Jayme

Wise Words

Any mother that you talk to has been there. . .

There the 2 year old stands, pointing her finger at their stuffed animal in the corner saying in a stern voice, “You need to sit in time out.  That wasn’t a good choice so you will stay here until I come and get you.”

You cringe upon hearing this.  “Where did she get that from?” you ask yourself, surprised that toddler, who was once of pure innocence nursing from you, could sound so angry, it sent chills down your spine.  Then it hits you like a ton of bricks. . .

“Is that how I sound?”  you think to yourself, embarrassed.

You try to give yourself a break.  “No, it couldn’t be. . .she must have heard that at the playground.”  But then a thought creeps into your head that you wish would creep right back out.  “Wow, how many times have I really said that exact thing to her?” 

It’s happened.  Shocked, you realize that you have become one of those mothers.  The kind you would meet before you had children and then would say to yourself, “That will never be me.”

I heard a story one time from a mother who told me that one day when they were traveling in the car, her toddler was talking on a pretend cell phone.  This mother was thoroughly entertained and laughed, thinking it was so cute how the inflection in her daughter’s voice mirrored that of her own voice.  All of a sudden, she was in disbelief at what she heard the daughter say. . .

“Oh sh--, hold on, that’s the other line.”

Our words are powerful.  What we give away to our children will always come back to us.

Here’s the good news about this overwhelming thought. . .it can work the opposite way too.  Recently, a miracle happened in my house. 

When my son turned 3, my daughter was about 6 months old.  Not only was it a challenge to be going through the toddler years with him while having an infant , but we had also moved across the country to the New York Metropolitan area from the Midwest just two months before.  You can imagine the stress our family was under, especially for me as a stay at home mother who had to say goodbye to my strong support system of wonderful friends and family in Ohio. 

Needless to say, it was a tough transition for my son as well.  He and I went through many difficult days of bickering and temper tantrums (he and I both).  I am the first one to admit that my mothering skills during this time were certainly less than desirable.  Often times my “techniques” would consist of yelling, crying fits of my own, angry words, or just sheer misery.  However, one thing I always did, after my son and I had gotten past whatever difficult moment we were in, I would always hug him and tell him how much I loved him.  Then I would say, “Even when we are mad at each other, I still love you.  That will never change.”

Three years later, I have happily transitioned into my new life in New York.  I have a support system of amazing friends, great family members, and I enjoy pursuing other interests, like writing, in addition to my role as a stay at home mom.  My son is in kindergarten in a wonderful school which is a beautiful representation of our values as a family.  As a woman, a wife, and a mom, I feel stronger than I have ever felt.  All of these things, in addition to learning more effective and inspiring parenting techniques along the way, have helped me to create a very calm, peaceful, and safe environment for my children.  Although they happen from time to time, I feel blessed that the “out of control” moments with my children are few and far between.

The other day, when we were getting ready to read books at bedtime, my son had tried to crawl on the other side of me which almost landed him on top of my daughter.  I reacted quickly, saying very sternly to him, coupled with a not-so-nice look, “What are you doing?  You could have really hurt her!”  When I saw his face drop, I realized I had misunderstood. 

“Oh”, I said, having figured it out.  “You usually lay on the other side of me, right?” suddenly remembering that he was a creature of habit, and would always assume his side of the bed during books would stay the same night after night.

He nodded shyly.  I said, “You were just trying to get to your normal spot.  I see.  I apologize; I didn’t realize what you were doing.  I’m sorry I spoke to you that way.”

He looked at me, his eyes bright.  He said in the sweetest voice, “That’s okay, Mommy.  Even when we are mad at each other, I always love you.”

Tears spilled down my face.  I was elated at the idea that he hadn’t forgotten those words and that he had shown me that he would carry them through to future life lessons.

Our words are powerful.

Choose them wisely.

- Amy

The Present

A trip.

About an hour.

Patchwork green fields

rising and dipping into the horizon.

We take it in.

Dream for a moment

Of a life

Free.

Quiet mornings wrapped in farmland.

Thick mist.

Cornfields kissed by drops of dew.

And you—

Perhaps more than I

Want to run off

To such a place.

Your mind’s eye holds visions

Of perfection.

Still solitude.

No hurry.

Little do you know—

Nor I…

Displeasure is in the mind of the beholder.

Not in lines we choose to ride.

Back and forth.

Work and school.

Home again.

Day in.

Out.

Just as—

What we think we want

Is not just

In open air.

Drifting for miles

Without obstruction

Over patchwork fields.

Rather—

In each mindful breath.

In just this
Moment.

Regardless of what or where,

The present is the gift we give

To ourselves.

-Jayme

Freedom Without Socks

The other day, my husband was vacuuming the house.  Although he’s usually willing to help when he can, there is rarely time in his schedule for him to be picking up household appliances.  Brian is an engineer and loves to work with his hands, so when there is a problem with a machine, he can’t help but take it apart to figure out why it isn’t operating at optimal potential. 

So when the Dyson wasn’t working for him, he took it apart and said to me, “Well maybe it’s this large sock that’s stuck inside of it that’s the problem!”  I couldn’t help but laugh. 

Brian and I are so different in so many ways.  I’ve had that Dyson for 8 years and I have yet to attempt to take it apart, even when it wasn’t working.  My solution the few times it was acting a little funny?  The old computer standby. . .turn it off for a few minutes and back on again.  I wondered if he hadn’t vacuumed that day if I would have ever discovered that sock.

After he removed it, the vacuum worked with more power than it had in a long time. 

I got to thinking about humans and how we let things get clogged as well.  There are so many things that get in our way of who we truly are in our lives.  In humans, our “socks” are things like negative thoughts, addictive habits (too much TV, alcohol, food, etc.), self-doubt, worry, lack of sleep, or spending time with people that drain your energy.  How can you possibly be the best expression of who you are if you are saying to yourself, “I can’t do it!” when you are presented with a new opportunity, or you are drinking six glasses of wine at night so that you can feel “calm”, or you are constantly thinking about all the things that can go wrong in your child’s day as soon as they get on the school bus?

Possibility becomes impossibility. . .

Ponder this question. . .what would my life be like if I remove the “socks?”  What would it be like if I spent quiet time with myself instead of listening to my neighbor complain for an hour everyday?  Who could I be if I drank water today instead of 5 cups of coffee?  What’s possible in my relationship if I talked to my spouse instead of watching a trashy reality show before bed?  How could I make a difference in the world?  What could I contribute?  What wonderful things would be attracted into my life?

If you remove those layers that cover up the true you, everything becomes possible.  The power that is unleashed when you are closer to your authentic self is exponential.  Goals get achieved faster, dreams that were thought of far into the future manifest now, relationships get more passionate, life feels serene.

The time is now. 

Live free. 

-          Amy



TWO

A son so bright,
fire's light seems frail--
shrinks back,
far from sight.

And, a daughter,
grounded as an oak.
Time froze
when first, it saw her.

Two.

I say the word...
let it permeate my skin,
seep deep,
deep within,
'till my bones,
gripped by its meaning,
firm up.
Gain that much more strength--
laugh off the faintest notion
they could break.

There is no break
from two.

No thought,
or action--
lure
or inclination,
for which, I would forsake
the growing strength
at home in this temple...
all for two.

For now.

Months on,
maybe more.

This strength,
they informed me of
when, twice, they came
through,
hours of rhythmic pain.

And I stayed
clear--
of sound mind,
amazed.

Two, for whom there is no "too much".

Two,
for whom,
by whom,
I stand changed.

-Jayme

Typical Morning Conversation

ME:  I want to workout.

me:  You don’t have time.

ME:  I have to make the time.  Working out makes me feel good.

me:  You’re crazy, you don‘t have time to exercise.  You have way too much to do, and not enough time to do it in.  What about the laundry?

ME:  Forget about what I have to do.  Exercise gives me more energy, which results in doing things more efficiently.  So either my things will get complete anyway, or I will better prioritize my tasks and the things that really don’t need to get done, won’t.  Exercise gives me the ability to create time.

me:  You don’t have the energy to work out.  You’re too tired all the time.  You never want to get up early in the morning; you would rather sleep.

ME:    The more I exercise, the more energy I will create.  Eventually exercise will not be a choice, it will be what my body craves everyday. It will be the energy level for which my body will not settle for less.

me:  You have too much on your mind to exercise.  You won’t be able to focus on creating a workout routine because you have too many things to think about and deal with.

ME:  Exercise is a way to a more focused mind.  When I exercise, I think more clearly and more succinctly.  Exercise helps me dissolve the thought layers that weigh me down and  don’t serve me.  The negative thoughts have no power when I exercise. 

me:  You don’t enjoy running on the treadmill.  You’ll be miserable.

ME:  While I certainly don’t admit to loving running, I know it doesn’t matter what exercise I do.  I listen to empowering books while I am on the treadmill, and time melts away quickly. My mind opens to new possibilities for my life.  I complete my run and feel energized, powerful, and free. 

Free of weight. . .

Free of toxic thoughts. . .

Free of limits. . .

Free of body. . .

Just ME. 

-Amy

Come to Light

Inches of skin, shed.

Left in dust.

What remains,

onward, flows--

Cleansed and new.

Smooth.

To go into Light,

Holy brightness--

to bask in the soothing warmth of Life,

no need for thick skin.

Rather, transparent and thin 

so that all from within can show through.

The power of clarity,

duality,

transparency...

embrace it all.

Place it all on display

for those who choose, to take.

Or, if so desire, walk away.

-Jayme

And...Scene

Two questions I can't quite shake--

They alternate:

Have I made a big mistake,

Or, am I the one who's mistaken?

What I'd taken was rightfully mine.

At least according to scenes I'd seen play out,

at dinner time,

on car rides,

when the phone line was tied up far too late in the night.

They played like card games in a crowded casino.

Like a broken record, 

as they'd say I sounded

when I spoke

my mind.

So I learned to stay quiet.

To stay.

Then I found my own scenes to play

and play.

The back and forth,

mind-numbing pain

and sweet love.

Softness in the refrain.

Back again for more of the same.

I'd say it was wrong,

demand change,

desperately claim strength.

But those scenes I'd seen play out

were mine.

They were mine.

Again and again,

I stepped up,

handed in my line-up for the game.

Choices I made...

Did I make a mistake?

Or, am I the one who's mistaken?

-Jayme

Perspective

Just a moment to take in the way it feels...
75 degrees.
Not a cloud.
Firmly planted on a well-worn hammock.
Just enough shade to feel the sun,
but not its heat.
Nowhere to be, but here.
And, I have to remind myself--
gratefully accept the gift when it's given.

-Jayme

Out to See

The sailor knows not why the wind blows,
nor when.

He simply tends to that which
requires his attention.

He mentions not the beastly waves,
nor days he feared
he lost his way.

A quiet soul out in the
vast ocean--
not a sight to behold
but the ship his task is to control.
Immeasurable crests of blue.
Specks of gold.

Alone,
amidst the cunning sea,
he lives a dream.

For all the angry storms,
pitch-black nights he has seen...
and survived,
he trusts the sea that has gifted him sight.

What he knows?

He's free.

-Jayme

This Life

What is this Life?

For what, is it meant?

Bent at will, is it?

Shifted on a whim?

Tossed about by random acts of circumstance?

To take a chance,

the hope of luck's gentle greeting?

Is this Life devoid of meaning,

to cease in darkness...

far too fleeting?

Say no--

no to it all.

Life is the call of the Infinite

for Joy.

Life's roots run so deep,

a base, they never reach

no matter how far off they go.

Life, in all its Glory

is just that--

a fairytale story told to the heavens.

So no,

fear not--

beg not for mercy.

Be the writer of your own story.

Bask in its glorious flow.

Be what you know you are.

Be Life. 

-Jayme

Weights and Measures

In light of time,

signs show themselves.

Around dark corners where few dare go,
Truth is known. 

All too soon, perception strays from its rightful place.

The gravitational pull to react in time, 

translates as weight.

Though, time is of no consequence.
Take heed.

There is no time of which to speak.
 

Yes, the sun does rise and set--
yet, such migration, mere illusion makes.

Like the sense of going back when another bursts ahead
in greater haste.
 

It's not a race. 

It's movement.

As the steady heart beats from beginning to end,

the only true measure is movement.

-Jayme

Accounting On A New Possibility

Who knew that accounting could lead to freedom?
When I offered to do the bookkeeping for the new company my husband was starting back in September, a large part of me was thinking, “What am I, crazy?” I remembered back when I was 8 years old and my parents, who were business owners, were trying to explain what a “profit” was after I had my first lemonade stand.  They jumped through hoops trying to explain it to me a million different ways, and I just couldn’t get it. Even my friend, who was a year younger, understood. But, I just couldn’t grasp it.  Right then, at 8 years old, I gave myself a life sentence, as so many of us do when we are kids.  I decided at that moment that I was stupid, and I would never be someone who has a good business/financial mind.  It’s no wonder that I went on to work in education for ten years, became a great “people person", and stayed as far away from numbers as possible.
As crazy of an idea as it was, my intuition told me that I HAD to do this. I can’t really explain why. I know I really wanted to learn the inner workings of the business, and I really wanted to support my husband in this endeavor.  Really, though, I think that the 8 year old in me had to see what I was made of.   I had to prove to myself that I COULD do this.
I will be completely honest. It wasn’t easy for me. A lot of late nights I would be up working, trying to figure out how QuickBooks, the accounting software, worked while being exhausted from taking care of the kids all day. I would fight with my husband trying to tell him that he didn't know what he was talking about when he tried to help me.  I would be up all hours of the night, searching for that one lost journal entry. I would eat sweet snacks in an attempt to calm thoughts like, “The success of this company is dependent upon these figures being correct.  What if I missed something?” I would wake up in the morning and not be able to look down because the muscles in my neck and back had been so tense the night before.  
But, as Tom Cruise, in "Jerry Maguire", one of my favorite movies, said so succinctly, “Breakdown...breakthrough.”
Now, 5 months later, after having gotten the hang of the program and successfully closing out our year, ready to start fresh in 2011, I have to say I have never felt so free.  I know exactly what I am doing now, and I am ready to move forward with our company’s finances.  Although it was difficult, I fought that demon from my past and won.  It’s no wonder that all of a sudden, new possibilities are opening up.  I am creating this first article of a new blog in an attempt to forward my writing, tackling clutter I haven’t touched in 3 years, taking my family’s health to a new level, and attending a workshop that aligns with my goals for a career in life coaching.  
Am I a natural born accountant?  No, definitely not, and I will be the first to admit it.  However, with focused time, attention, and determination, I learned what I needed to learn in order to master it.  I know that I can take on anything in life and win. Who knows, maybe this will be the first stepping stone to creating my own business someday.  I will definitely hire someone to do the bookkeeping though!

-Amy

Knot Expected

I’ve been given a gift...in the form of a profoundly tangled heap of yarn. It wasn’t given to me as a gift. It started as an assignment. Crochet a scarf for my niece, Ava. Simple, right? Not exactly.

Hours of my week have been spent—sometimes delicately, others, furiously pulling and twisting this yarn. I’ve studied it like a mad scientist. I’ve come to know it well.

My revelation: this extraordinarily tangled, stubborn mass of yarn hasn't really required much study. It’s as familiar as the hands I've watched untangle it. It’s me. 

There I am in beautiful shades of blue. Tangled by life experience. De-tangled by choice. The knots seem to have a life of their own—a memory. Strands find solace in the curves and bends of others. If for nothing else, to bask in the comfort of familiarity. There are so many moments when all seems lost—twisted and tangled beyond repair. I fight the urge to give up. It’s those moments when suddenly, inevitably, a knot comes loose, unravels like a crumbled up cloth cast out into whipping wind. There's hope.

So, I'll keep pulling and twisting—navigating my way through this treacherously enigmatic, beautiful collection of knots. 

When I see my niece wearing her scarf, I'll be sure to thank her.

-Jayme