Painted by Lauren Rudolph


Am I meek?
Or, am I tender?

Soft bends of skin,
porcelain,
rendered fragile...

Though, I know better.

Feather-light,
my gaze drops down
to distant lands.

Porcelain,
my strength runs deep,
and I surrender.

Tender? 
Yes.

And I tend to myself.

I won't be placed upon a shelf,
held from afar to play the part.

Modesty will not forsake me.

Take me.

-Jayme

Illumination



There is Light in Life.
In Life, there is Light.

So trite, it sounds,
I know.

But, life is love,
love is true,
truth is joy,
and joy is light.

Even there,
in the black of night.
The traveler moves
by the light of a radiant moon,
and the infinite stars,
so very bright.

If ever you're on your way home
and the moon drifts out of sight, remember...

Life is love,
love is true,
truth is joy,
and joy is Light.

There is Light in Life.
In Life, there is Light.

-Jayme

In Judgement

Enslaved.

Slave to 
contemplation
formulation
manipulation...

Itching to bring forth 
information, as I see it.

All the wrongs I've seen--
been wronged.

Longing for a way to spin this flax 
I've been given.

So, there's that drive,
the burning engine,
full throttle,
seething...
'cause in the end,
seeing is believing.
And, in seeing,
I issue my decree.

This is what is,
what should be,
as I see it.

But, I'm lost.

That sight in which I place my trust,
breeding always, thoughts of injustice--
must be right
and real,
right?

Right...

at least, until I steady myself enough to feel.

And then, 
oh,
I see.
Only, not with eyes
or a mind conditioned to compare.

I see the dis-ease within.
The hell it is to sit
high up in this heavy robe
as I wield my gavel.

The pain that stays with each sentence given.

The back and forth.
The indecision.

It tears me in two.

Slave to watching.

Contemplation
Formulation
Manipulation....

a life lived in disdain.

Then the truth.
My holiness is my salvation.

-Jayme

Holy

Is that not the goal?

The old, raggedy shirt
worn
far too long.

skin that asked to be hidden
shows through.

Modesty...long ago, forsaken.

But truth,
where is it?

Sewn into disintegrating fibers,
kept alive by nothing
but
the tiniest thread,
weathered.

Still, I'll wear that shirt
'till there's nothing,
and every part of me is showing,
if I can just hide the truth.

Let it fall 
into 
microscopic specs--
hen-pecked by sun and wind--
down
to the ground.

I'll trade in every shred of dignity,
fight to the death
so the truth
can go unsaid.

Holy,
yes...

not in the way God meant.

-Jayme

Projecting Reflection


If this body doesn't define me,
what does?

Or, does what I Am defy definition?

Picked up by intuition,
swaying with the breeze--
what is that which is me?

Deeper than the deepest sea,
high above the starry sky,
the radiant sun,
in all,
the One.

There is no other.

Still there,
reflecting back
through eyes by which I see--
it's me.
At least, that's what it seems to be.

Though, what I know deeply
with no doubt or reservation
is that seeing isn't so.

Seeing isn't knowing,
and that image reflecting back,
once brand new,
has changed so much--
will change countless times
before it's back to dust.

But the me that I can't see--
the one beyond all I judge,
always trying to fit
into that image--
ideal dream,
It sways with the breeze--
free.

Seeing isn't knowing,
and nothing's as it seems to be,
not even me.


-Jayme

Grievances

I say I believe in you.
Still, I hold my grievances.
Clenched tightly to my chest, they tear me to pieces.

All the rest is true...

I see your light and it stops me dead,
so I tread lightly.

I sleep with those grievances
breathe those grievances
eat those grievances.

The things you do,
God, I hate weakness.

Am I afraid?

What will I do if there's no weakness to hold you to?

If I open my hands,
let my arms fall,
stand there, all but caught up in those grand illusions,
what then?

Then...
I'd have to love, 
pure and simple.

No sword or shield.
No veil before my eyes.
No disguising what is true, in fear
that I'm not enough,
and the sting of joy is far too much to take.

Ugh--
It's in that belief where my biggest mistake has been made.

To be awake,
to walk into joy,
I must own this...

Love holds no grievances.

                                                                            -Jayme

"Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know."

-Pema Chodron

Gifted River

There's the way the river bends and twists at its ends.

It slows to suit the shore,

scattered rocks,

gypsy driftwood.

Soft at its edge,

the river lends itself to guests--

depends upon the life within, finding sustenance,

to itself, be sustained.

Like the wayward traveler,

standing still,

basking in the muffled warmth of a cloud-covered sun,

gifted the river by Mother Nature

to sustain his spirit.

The gift of the river,

for the gifted

and the giver.

-Jayme

Reconditioning

To grin

and bear the burden of perception's making,

is to put our lives at stake.

It's not the "virtuous" gesture of braving pain

for life's sake

that makes sense of any breakdown

or loss of faith.

It's the power, in which, we choose to stand.

It's the choice we make in the quiet of morning

when all is still--

potential.

The choice is to be 
what we've only dared to see ourselves as,

in spite of past conditioning.

Fight or flight--

no such thing.

Self-preservation,

a contradiction in terms.

The Self need not be preserved.

The choice is to be It--

or not.

-Jayme

Light of Truth

Stark truth when set against a still night sky.

Luminous specks of truth.

Opposite ends of earth.

Here, rooftops tickled by the light of a distant moon,

reflecting sunlight.

There, flickering ripples huddled all together in still water.

Identical reflections.

To unearth truth,

sun's light falls down upon all.

None, more than the other.

Love's light falls upon all.

Stark discovery in the pitch black of night...

Infinite Light.

-Jayme

Patience is faith.


Time's too wild a beast to tame.
Given names and shoved into spaces,
aware of none.
Wide open as the sky,
inviting us to be the same.


Days turn over, one by one.
The sun, in it's stillness, waits,
the earth, in it's time obliges.


Breathe in.
Be present.
Wait.


Patience is faith.


-Jayme

I'm taking a class called Emerson's Essays. We recently read Compensation and had to write about how we've seen compensation (cause and effect) play out in our own lives. While writing, I had an epiphany...

 

When I got pregnant with my son, it happened fairly quickly, and I couldn't believe it. I had a hard time accepting that I could be so blessed. This disbelief lingered throughout my pregnancy. I was terrified. At the time, I didn't question my fear. I embraced it. 30 weeks into my pregnancy, I was put on bed rest for preterm labor. Although I showed no signs of progression, I had regular contractions day and night. And, as that was confirmed, my fears were, too. I had proof. 

Six weeks later, I was taken off bed rest, and six weeks after that, at 42 weeks, my son was born, perfectly healthy and strong.

Once he was in front of me, I didn't worry about him at all. I didn't worry about anything related to him. At the time, I didn't give the disappearance of my fear any thought.

A year and a half later, we started trying to get pregnant again. Little by little, those old fears crept back in. Only this time it was more intense. How could I be doubly blessed? New proof that I couldn't showed itself. Month after month, I had chemical pregnancies. I would have a positive pregnancy test and then lose the pregnancy a few days later. Every month, I held more tightly to that fear. Every month, I fed into my disbelief. 

Seven months later, I was in fact blessed with a referral for a very talented acupuncturist who specializes in infertility--and a healthy pregnancy. But, for the first six weeks of my pregnancy, I was again, petrified. I still wouldn't let go. Dr. Lee worked with me, though, and I was finally about to release my fear, among other things. 

Letting go was the greatest relief I had ever experienced in my life. I was finally free. And, that pregnancy with my daughter changed me forever. Calm and peaceful like her, that pregnancy brought me back to my faith. 

Looking back, I can see so clearly how I was compensated again and again for choosing fear and doubt.  And, with a shift in consciousness, I was compensated for faith and trust. 

My epiphany came when I realized that I wasn't only being compensated for my choices. My mother had a very hard time getting pregnant, and when all of the paperwork was completed to adopt twin boys, she got pregnant with my twin sister and I. Her early pregnancy was difficult. She had a lot of issues with bleeding and was on bed rest for six months only to give birth to perfectly healthy and strong twin girls. I knew her struggle and carried it with me into my own experience with fertility and pregnancy. I was, in a way, compensated for beliefs about pregnancy I never really knew I had. 

 

What we believe, both consciously and subconsciously, shows up as our life experience. Take a moment and identify one area in your life, one recurring experience that doesn't serve you. It could be a pattern in relationships, addiction of any form, financial challenges, parenting struggles...anything. Connect with the the way you feel when you think of that thing. Then, identify the belief you have around it. A few examples:

Difficult Relationships: Those closest to me don't value what I have to say.

Addiction: I, as I am, am not enough. 

Financial Challenges: I'm not treated fairly.

Parenting struggles: I can't trust my own instincts.

 

The next step sounds so simple, but I promise it's true. Acknowledge the belief, and then consciously release it. Let it go. And, anytime evidence of that belief shows up in your life experience, consciously release it and acknowledge a new belief (Example: I release the belief that I am not enough, and in its place, I wholeheartedly declare that I am more than enough exactly as I am). 

 

Deciding to shift a false belief is powerful. Be powerful.

-Jayme

"A little consideration of what takes place around us every day would show us that a higher law than that of our will regulates events; that our painful labors are very unnecessary and altogether fruitless; that only in our easy, simple, spontaneous action are we strong, and by contenting ourselves with obedience we become divine. Belief and love,--a believing we love will relieve us of a vast load of care. O my brothers, God exists. There is a soul at the center of nature and over the will of every man, so that none of us can wrong the universe. It has so infused its strong enchantment into nature that we prosper when we accept its advice, and when we struggle to wound its creatures our hands are glued to our sides, or they beat our own breasts. The whole course of things goes to teach us faith. We need only obey. There is a guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening we shall hear the right word...Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into you as life, place yourself into the full center of that flood, then you are without effort impelled to truth, to right and a perfect contentment."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Spiritual Laws" (1841)

Notion

Whether by chance or fate,

the waiting wind grasps a notion--

passes it on. 

Barely recognized amongst the hustle

and bustle of the day,

often, the one to whom its bequeathed sees

merely a disposable whim.

Don't be mistaken.

A gentle spark,

though easily extinguished,

houses within

the light of the sun.

Take not for granted, the notion.

Rather, grant it the time it so deserves.

Allow it to catch--

become a smouldering fire,

to capture each and every gaze.

Let it find its rightful place...

Manifest. Mesmerizing. Praised.

That simple notion's

the seed of change.

-Jayme

"Why chatter about delusion and enlightenment? Listening to the night rain on my roof, I sit comfortably, with both legs stretched out."

Ry-kan

My Life In Bright Lights

A few weeks ago, I was driving with my daughter down to midtown Manhattan.  Although I absolutely love spending time in the city, I am much more comfortable with my husband driving. He could probably navigate around blindfolded, and still find the most efficient way to get from point A to point B.  However, lately I have had a strong desire to get comfortable driving around NYC, so I headed down on my own.

Not too long after I began driving down, Brian called and asked when I would approach the 78^th street exit.  He proceeded to tell me that there is a camera at this exit, and if you go to some website, you can access the view.  Being an engineer who loves technology, he was very excited about watching our SUV pass by this camera while zooming down the FDR drive.  “Here you come,” he had said, the anticipation building in his voice as I explained to him we were passing the 77^th street exit.  “Oh my gosh, look there you go!  I saw you!  How cool was that?”  Of course, I had to take a few moments to poke fun at his perspective of entertainment, telling him jokingly that he really needed to get a life.

I actually agreed that it was quite cool, however a little disconcerting at the same time.  “A little too Big Brotherish”, I thought to myself.  Then, as I thought further, I wondered what life would be like if, at the end of every day, we could sit down in front of our TV, and instead of tuning into a fiction-based, unrealistic, over exaggerated reality show, we could see a daily movie of our own lives; to answer the questions that lie in us deep down. . .

How did I live today? 

How did I interact with my friends, my family, my children, my colleagues? 

What kind of energy did I bring to every activity I was involved with?    

Did I live true to myself? 

Did I live honestly, with integrity, and do what I said I would do?

Did I live as if my past was in front of me, trapping me, or did I step into the future I wanted to live into?

Did I inspire others or bring others down?

Did I take responsibility if I wasn’t living my best life. . .and then let it go and move on?

Did I forgive?

Was I able to breakthrough unexpected challenges that came up. . .how did I react when things didn’t go my way?

How did I manage my life?  Did I manage myself to be someone big or someone small?

Did I live my dream?

Did I love?

These are certainly not the easiest questions to ask ourselves, of course, but nevertheless important.  I suppose this is why the “Big Brother” concept is so scary.  It’s an interesting thought though, as to if and how life would be different if you were able to watch and reflect everyday on who you were being in your life.  I realize that we don’t all have the movies of our lives to actually watch.  However, it is possible to reflect each day. Try it tonight, in your mind.  And tomorrow, try living a little closer to the authentic you. 

And then maybe someday, Big Brother won’t be so scary.

-Amy 

For Eileen

Spirit in me
shines brightly.

A Spark
burst forth
at the dawn of All,
with a call to action.

A Spark,

quick to ignite
this fiery Light--
white hot and full of Life.

This soul

that is
Spirit
in me,
shines brightly.

I dance upon shimmering stars
nightly--
Far out in the vastness of the
Whole.

I’m there,
while here.

In this form,
safe and sound,
surrounded completely,
Shrouded in the

glowing
radiant knowing

of the Truth of Creation. 

To be there,

while here, still,

is to know…

No thing apart.
Just the One,
through which, possibility knows no bounds...                                                              no bounds.

Only the Truth

that is All
That All Is.

There,

in the All,

of the All,
the Miraculous.

SPIRIT in Me
Shines Brightly . 

-Jayme

 We do not live in the world. 

The world lives in us.

She

She listens with non-judgmental ears. . .

She encourages me to be the best woman that I know how to be. . .

She loves with all of her heart. . .

She says the things that many won’t say because she knows it will make a difference. . .

She prays for herself and for those around her. . .

She empathizes authentically and organically. . .

She inspires others by who she manages herself to be day after day. . .

She creates the world around her. . .

She is purposeful in her living. . .

She laughs and makes light of the world around her . . .

She creates with her words and her integrity. . .

She carries light around her wherever she goes. . .

Happy Birthday to my wonderful friend Jayme!  I am grateful every day that our paths have crossed. . .thank you for your support, love and light! 

Much love,  

Amy

Innately, we know from the start...
It's all about balance.