Knee Deep

I have those days, ok?

Like today.

When all I wish,

all I want

is to get away from all of it.

When all I am,

all it feels like I am

is a clown,

a circus act—

20 balls up in the air,

spinning in space,

screaming my name.

My eyes dart back and forth,

up and down

hands flap at breakneck speed.

My core, tight like an iron rod,

So tight.

And, it really feels like

if I skip a beat,

lose sight of a single ball

and it falls to my feet,

I lose…

hand over all I’ve tried to prove.

Admit that I’m not enough

to sail through.

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It’s more than that, though…

It’s that feeling,

the need to prove that I’m enough

that sends me reeling.

It makes this room fill up

with words and stuff—

calls to make and take.

The tick tock of the clock

stuffs this room up

and up

until it feels like it will break me.

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How do I live that way?

The ever present pain of

having to prove that I’m worthy,

and then the burden

of keeping it restrained.

It’s that lid,

so tightly shut

while I’m bubbling over.

Especially on a day like today.

------

So, once and for all,

I say, so what?

Rest my softened hands

upon my thighs,

shut my eyes and walk away.

On a day like today,

they’ll just have to take me

as I am…

‘Cause I know, nothing’s gonna break me.

-Jayme